Thursday, 25 August 2016

3 years in Scotland and the beginning of a new chapter

3 years ago I made the decision to leave all I knew behind in Australia, put my veterinary career on the back burner and pursue my dream of becoming a professional athlete. I quit my job and took the leap of faith travelling with my mountain bike to Europe to race the 2013  Xterra European Series and a few MTB Marathon’s as an elite athlete. When I look back now, I was never really happy with any of my achievements. Always looking ahead putting huge amount of pressure on myself instead of looking back and be happy with how far I had come in a small amount of time. I wanted to be better, stronger, faster and the concept of being proud of finishing a race was a foreign concept to me. Since I only discovered the sport in my thirties I had no time left, it was now or never, all or nothing.  There were no excuses. I did not allow it.
I made life long friends racing the European series in 2013
Whilst racing in the Summer of 2013 money became scarce and I was looking for a low profile job where I could be a veterinarian to support my dreams but also having enough free weekends and holiday’s to train and race hard. I was not looking for anything else, I was not looking to make friends, or gain a social life and I was definitely not looking to settle anywhere. I had one vision and one vision only, to become a successful elite athlete, wether I had to work full time or not. I accepted a job at Thrums Vet Group in Kirriemuir, Scotland, thinking it was in an ideal location to train in the beautiful Glens with good working hours in a friendly environment. (I managed to overlook one minor detail being the extreme  Scottish weather conditions!!) Within the first two weeks I found myself a great swim club with DCA Masters in Dundee, a great bike shop in Nicholson Cycles willing to give me support for my bikes and a running club in Dundee Hawks Harriets proven to produce champions. Sorted. All I needed to do was train and the results would follow. And so I did, day in day out, 2-3 times a day whilst working full day’s, early 5am swim starts, lunch time run's, late evening long rides, in the dark, in the rain, in the snow and freezing conditions, every week I ticked off the sets presented to me on my program, nobody could stop me. 2014 was going to be my season.
I have always been able to count on Colin and the team of Nicholson Cycles in the last three years
People who read my blogs know that it did not pan out this way. One of the things I was confronted with was that this low profile job I chose did not really work the way I had intended it! Turned out I was not the person who could just see a job for a job and leave it at the door came 5pm. I loved the challenge to improve the level of horse care offered by the practice and raising the level of expertise by helping my colleagues and clients. Although the working hours at Thrums were much more controlled than in my previous jobs, being a vet was as much part of being me as it had always been and I realised it did not mean any less to me as the desire to be an athlete.
Standing on the start line with sporting hero's like multiple MTB World Champion Annika Langvad almost felt surreal at times!!
Slowly but surely I started to feel torn between my professional world as a vet and me wanting to break into the professional world as an athlete, and unfortunately there was not much if not to say no overlap between the two worlds. At work I was seen as crazy spending 5 hours on the bike in temperatures below zero, and to my fellow athletes it was hard to explain that I had to work weekend duty and on call shifts, which sometimes meant I had no days off for two consecutive weeks, that I had no choice in missing important races due to work commitments or that I was replying to work emails about sick horses just before the start of a race. I tried my hardest to combine the two worlds, it was my dream, it was my existence, it was what I came out to do moving back to Europe but I learned that it was simply unrealistic.
Training paradise
As my sporting plan started to unravel and the strength in my body started to fade dealing with disappointment after disappointment I realised that my life in Scotland was not anonymous like I planned it to be, I realised that my colleagues were not just work mates but they had become close friends and my training buddies were not just people I trained with but people who cared and supported me and reached out when things got tough. Somehow in this roller coaster life of mine I found a home and the people surrounding me had become my family.

I began to wonder if I had the right personality to become a full time athlete when given the perfect circumstances, and if the diversity in my personality would have been able to handle the 100% focus required to reach the top. I read about athletes suffering from mental health issues after retiring from elite level racing as the one thing they had always lived for and focussed on was no longer there. I realised that with my disappointing athletic career I was lucky to be able to fall back on a profession I was equally as passionate about.
From a young age horses have been a huge part of my life
And as most things in my life seem to have a way of working out for the best, an opportunity to work for the equine department of the Edinburgh Veterinary University presented itself at a moment I needed it the most. When one door closes another one opens.
I am looking forward to going back into specialised equine practice and focussing on my veterinary career again, that is not to say I have closed the door completely on my athletic dreams. I still need to work on overcoming the feeling of failure as an athlete and be proud of the results I have achieved. Giving my mind and body time to recover from the pressures I put it under over the last three years. As the feeling of speed and strength have occasionally returned during my training runs, rides and even swims in the last couple of months so has the desire to keep on improving as an athlete, in what way, shape or form I really am not sure, but I will never stop dreaming of the impossible.
Scotland stole my heart
3 years ago I came to this little place called Kirriemuir owning not much more than a few bikes, a bag of clothes and my loyal 4 footed friend Fynn. I asked for nothing and in return I got given a world filled with adventure, laughter, friendships and love, a place I could call home. Scotland truly stole my heart. Catching me when I fell, dusting me off in Sottish manner and putting me back on my feet again. Many thanks to all, not just in Scotland but all over the world for the support over the last crazy 3 years, here is to the next exciting chapter!!

“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be”

Monday, 25 July 2016

St Mary's Loch Triathlon: a new approach to racing

I seem to engage a love/hate relationship with everything I am passionate about. The amount of times people have said to me “why don’t  you just see it as a job” at times I got frustrated with my profession as an equine veterinarian or “why don’t  you just race for fun” in relation to trying to combine my veterinary career with the elite ambitions I have in my sporting life. It is hard to explain sometimes that I am just not that kind of a person, I don’t do anything by halves, I like moving forward in everything I do and sitting still or taking it easy is not my strongest side.

My choice to let go of my elite athlete dream after the MTB World Championships was the right one for me. I have been feeling relieved simply not having to train hard after a busy day at work always thinking ahead of the next tough race on the calendar. But this is a new territory for me, so what now? I still have the Evergreen Endurance triathlon in September on the calendar. To race or not to race. I had taken a descent hit at the MTB World  Championships, mentally and physically. The first obstacle I had to overcome was my broken body, I had ignored my lower back and sacro-iliac problem for so long, it had now settled well and truly into my gluteals with a very angry left sciatic nerve. It almost felt like all the power had disappeared out of my legs which was very frustrating. The second issue was my brain, it had been a month since we returned from France and my MTB was still in my bike bag. Although I truly meant it when I said I was ready to let go of my athletic dreams, sometimes it made me feel like a failure that I had given it up.
I love my job as an equine vet, it is more than just a job to me
Over the last month I have worked with good friend and remedial massage therapist Judith on a weekly basis to get my legs sorted. I also entered an Olympic Distance triathlon which was about 6 weeks out from the Evergreen triathlon in Chamonix.  It would be the test for me to see if I mentally wanted to race Evergreen and physically could push forward to start working on the endurance I needed to be able to finish the “2000m swim, 97km bike, 22km run with a total elevation of 3500m” in one piece.

I deliberately chose a Durty Events triathlon because I knew it would not be a simple time trial over a 1500m swim, 40km bike and 10km run. The bike was an out and back but there was enough climbing in it to make it more interesting and the run was a trail run instead of a fast 10km on the road. Having raced quite a few of Paul’s events now I also knew that regardless of the outcome it would be fun. It had been a year since I last raced a triathlon, I could not remember the last time I run off the bike and I had done minimal training since the world champs and during the sessions I had been doing I had felt pretty poor especially on the bike. There were no expectations, none. Probably the first time I could actually say that and believe it. For the first time I really had nothing to lose and only things to gain by racing.
The best adventures are shared with the Fynnster!

So there I was at the startline with dog Fynn and Michael by my side and the only fear I felt was for the cold water temperature and sliding into a state of hypothermia after the swim. For the first time in many years there was no fear of failure.

The water was indeed mind numbing cold but I found myself in a little group swimming at a pace which was probably a little too easy for me but it felt good. Surprisingly good! I completely forgot how to do transitions quickly made worse by numb fingers!! I got passed by a few women early on the bike and I talked to myself, basically just with just one word : RELAX. I was surprised when I started catching people on the first climb and even more surprised that my legs did not hurt! Yes!! I decided not to go wild, but stay in the pain free zone and just ride. Even the torrential rain and wind could not change my happy mood. The transition zone was back in sight before I knew it and although I felt like my power was back on the bike I knew I would have nothing on the run. I did not feel any negativity at any stage, I stuck to the plan of staying in my comfort zone and after 10min running I felt more comfortable and relaxed.  The run was a proper trail run, technical in parts with slippery roots and off camper trails. It was a good course. I finished with a smile on my face with so much left in the tank it almost felt too easy. I managed to squeeze into the top 10 female overall over the swim/bike legs but had to let a few girls pass me on the run for 17th female overall in a decently sized field. Michael was surprised how happy I was “I have never seen you like this” he said “Not even when you have won!”

relaxing into the run
I showed myself that I could race, have fun whilst not being competitive. Somehow racing so easily was a huge confident boost and it made me happy. Evergreen was back on the calendar and I was looking forward to sharing that experience with some great friends!

“What races if any would you like to do next year?” Michael asked me. And I really had no answer, I am for sure done with racing competitively but I will also never be someone who just cruises, it is not in my nature. But the good thing is I am not really worried about it at this stage, a challenge will come my way, it somehow always does, and in the mean time I have a couple of races ahead of me which will be really all about the people I am doing them with.
"Whatever I believed, I did, and whatever I did, I did with my whole heart and mind as far as possible to do so" Jean Toomer

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

Every teardrop is a waterfall : The Marathon MTB Worldchampionships Laissac 2016

I almost decided to pull out of the world championships after I raced my heart out to qualify and my body not recovering adequately afterwards. I was left feeling fatigued with a sacral iliac injury I was struggling to get rid off. It had extended into my gluteals with shooting pins and needles down my hamstrings. I had not been able to run pain free and therefore cancelled Xterra France, but World Champs was a tough one to decide. The only reason I would not start was out of fear of looking like a fool being so far of the pace of the top athletes. I knew I was more than capable of riding the course, I was just aware my body was in no shape to actually race it.

I was still undecided when I travelled to the airport with Michael. Our holiday was booked and paid for and since we hired a camper van we could easily change our plans and direction. It was when we were waiting to board that I received an email from my uncle Aede with the subject "Alger" which is my fathers name. Immediately my heart sank as this usually was bad news. I had not seen him since 1999 when I left everything behind in search of a happier future on the other side of the world, New Zealand. He would only be mentioned if there was news. He had been suicidal for a long time now with several failed attempts and may be this was the final call. But it was not the case, he was diagnosed with Korsakov disease, a condition which damages the brain cells most commonly due to chronic alcoholism. An immediate feeling of anger took over my thoughts. This was not the future I had in mind for my father. He was supposed to live till 110 like he always stated he would. He would be spending his days all alone when everyone close had abandoned him after finding out the truth about his life. About the hurt he had inflicted on my sister and me from a very young age. About the darkness around his narcissistic personality and the ruthlessness he would go about destroying any one who would get in the way of his ambitions. Including his own children. Instead of being punished for what he had done through loneliness and isolation he was now spared from this living the remainder of his life being cared for in a psychiatric hospital.
My older sister and I were inseparable
I have always refused to be defined by what happened to me in my past, no matter what, I would aim for the stars, following my dreams and living life to the fullest. I always felt that the darkness I had seen, turned me into a stronger person.  But sitting on the plane high in the sky letting the news of my dad find a place in my thoughts I also realised I had become exactly what I never wanted to, a victim of circumstances. I am not sure if the return to Europe after having been away for over 15 years confronted me with so many dark memories and the reconnection with family had opened many old wounds. I felt a certain sadness which I had tried to avoid all my life had creeped into my veins some how. There and then I decided I was going to race the world championships.

I was going to race it as a symbol for what my sister and I had achieved in our lives despite of our history. I was riding for him, my farther. As his brain cells were slowly disintegrating so was his personality and the man who he once was, was no longer in this world. In a strange way it made me feel free. 

Although nerves did take over leading into the race including that horrible feeling of not belonging, I kept holding on to the thought of racing it purely for me. With the strength I gained through life. And as we set off cheered on by many spectators on the side line the race became my journey. I embraced every corner, every drop, every hill, every technical obstacle (even a crash!) with positivity. Overcoming pain, struggles, anxiety and anger, km by km I conquered the course. I thought of my life, my sister, my future and this race suddenly did not matter to me anymore, it did not matter I could not keep up with the main pack, suddenly I felt good enough by just being me. Without having to prove myself amongst a bunch of elite athletes. I knew myself what I was capable of. I simply did not need it anymore, and although it had taken me a long time to get to this point I was finally able to let go. At every aid station I was greeted by Michaels smiling face and encouraging words. The crowd was amazing and every now and then I was overwhelmed by the buzzing realisation I was racing in a world championship in my Dutch National kit

Mission complete finishing in 48th place
The last 10km I struggled and I must admit there were some tears, my body was now pretty much done and on such an unforgiving course I was aching all over. But I was there, and I made it, I saw the finishing chute and Michael, the sound of my name through the speakers telling me 48th elite female. Although relatively speaking this did not mean much since I was so far behind the front pace, it still felt like an achievement. Little old me 48th in the world. Everything came to a halt and the sense of relief was immense. More tears.

I rode the world championships in the name of my father, leaving all the sadness he caused behind on the trails of Laissac. As the world championships course there still will be endless ups and downs to come in future but I will be a victim no more.

one of Michael and mine life time plans is climbing all 4000m peaks in Europe

I am looking forward to lots of adventures with Michael, a new job at the vetschool in Edinburgh and lots of new challenges without putting a huge amount of pressure on myself, it is time to have some fun! I feel like a whole new world awaits me as I am stepping into this new exciting chapter in my life!

 "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have"

Saturday, 11 June 2016

"I would rather be a comma than a full stop" Coldplay

One week to go before going on  what was supposed to be a racing holiday with the MTB Marathon World Championships and XTERRA France offroad triathlon race back to back. I was supposed to be super fit by now, that was the plan. After having had August-January off, my body would have been fully recovered to start training properly after spending a week with Nico in France. Which I did for a month and it was great, I was back, or so I thought. Then the nasty flu hit me and I was drained from all my reserves, feeling floored for close to a month. It is ok I thought, many people go through this, it is just the flu, I will bounce back. But I did not. My body had nothing on the flu. Training became a chore, my running pace was so slow it was crazily frustrating. My back, my glutes, my hamstrings protesting my every move. You had to literally peel me off the bike after a 5 hour session with my lower back seizing up in riding position. Stretch, stretch stretch. This is what it’s like to be unfit and get back to fitness I thought, I just have to push through this and it will get easier I thought. But training with a sore and tired body was not much fun. Wanting to be as fast as I used to be but being slow was not much fun. Not being able to do anything about it was the worst part. Because pushing through, training harder, ignoring the signs, I knew out of experience was for me the biggest enemy.

Playing on the bike
I actually needed to learn how to move again, slowly, efficiently, smoothly without any objectives, get the frustrations out of my head. Look after my body, be happy that I could still move even if it was slow. I had to give my heart, lungs and muscles what they needed, find the balance between training and recovering and accept that this year it would be all about moving. Not about pace, power or performance, but about completing, finding flow, joy, passion and overcoming a very negative mindset.

So here I am two weeks from probably my last (and only second) World Championships as an elite athlete, the opportunity to wear the national kit with pride, in an Olympic year.
Such a good feeling wearing national kit
Something quite special. Can I complete this world championship course? Yes, probably without too many problems. The question is if I can accept another mediocre performance, can I go into this race with my eyes wide open. There will be 70ish very elite strong female mountain bikers and I will be battling it out at the back. Even in top peak condition I would only be aiming for a top 40 finish, so really what does it matter? It is not like I am going for the win!! “it is all about how you view things” were Michael’s words. And I am doing my utter best to get myself in the right head space.

Two weeks to go.

“it is not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you are not”

Sunday, 29 May 2016

Glentress 7, being pushed over the edge

People who follow my blogs know that I have been really struggling with my races the last couple of years. Fitting it all in, training, racing, working, general life commitments and priorities. I was diagnosed with parasympathetic fatigue syndrome last summer which forced me to have a 6 month break from it all. In a World Series MTB Marathon Portugal 3 weeks ago, I showed myself a mental strength which I had been lacking and it was one of my most rewarding finishes ever. Unfortunately my body paid the price and I have been struggling with fatigue ever since. Frustrating does not even come close with this what to seem a never ending battle between my mind wanting to push forward but my body simply not being able to follow. And the self-destructing disappointing thoughts that come with it “I am simply not as strong as I once used to be”

I entered Glentress 7 (a 7 hour MTB race in which you ride as many laps as you can in the given time) many months ago as a solo rider, I thought it would be the perfect way to prepare myself for the Mountain Bike Marathon World championships later in June.  3 weeks after the Portugal MTB Marathon it allowed me enough recovery and 4 weeks before Worlds it would be the perfect endurance set. Because of circumstances beyond my control  the race in Portugal ended up taking a real toll mentally and physically.  On hind sight maybe I should have allowed myself more time to bounce back. But the thought “it is not that bad” was so ingrained in me that I just ignored the warning signs. I thought a lot of sleeping and easing up the training the week leading into the race would give me enough rest to get rid of my swollen legs and tired body. “It will be fine” I thought.

I thought wrong. Turned out that my bike recovered much better from Portugal with the great help from Nicholson Cycles than I did. My plan was to start the race hard to practice the MTB Marathon starts at international level and after the first lap settle into a pace I was comfortable holding for 7 hours. I really pushed myself starting hard, ignoring the dead legs and low heart rate, happily reaching the highest point of the course in 2nd  placed female. The descent started with a steep drop with tree roots and rocks and a sharp turn to the left. I was cruising down comfortably sussing my line out when suddenly  I found myself between two aggressive racing males  trying to overtake who literally  pushed me of my own line resulting in my front tyre hitting a rock and me flying over the handle bars. I quickly jumped on my bike to clear the way for the riders behind me only to notice that my handle bars were on an angle. Male riders were coming up so fast behind me on narrow rocky single track that I was too scared to stop and being crashed into to sort it out. Not ideal to start a technical descent. My confidence hit an all time low and I was surprised how aggressive some of these male riders were. I was riding like a numpty and never really found my flow. For the first 3 hours I was riding in the top 5 with less than 5 minutes between the 5 girls. I knew I would be stronger in the 2nd half of the race but as I started my 4th lap I was also aware that my body was not responding, my lower back injury was playing up, I started to feel tingling down the back of my legs and I did not enjoy any of the racing. “What’s the point” I thought. I knew that I was strong enough to be able to finish the race. I also knew that if I would push through I would again be stuck in that big hole of overtraining and it would not do my body any good. I rolled into transition after 4 hours of racing and told Michael “I am done”. A negative cloud of thoughts followed the remainder of the day. I felt like a broken record. Here I was again with a body that was not on the same page as me, creating so many doubts in my mind, making it really hard not to feel like a failure.
My favourite training ground in Scotland
This was not a simple problem that could be fixed by changing my attitude going into a race with the purpose of ‘just to have fun’ as many people have been suggesting. Me not finishing Glentress 7 had nothing to do with too high expectations leading into the race. I was riding with the top end of the female field until I pulled out so I had no reasons to be disappointed with my performance. It was purely about how awful my body felt during the race taking all the enjoyment out of it. I simply did not see the point in keeping on fighting my own body. Racing for me is not about chasing podiums, although it is a nice reward, that is not where my enjoyment lays. For me it is about being the best possible athlete I can be, feeling strong during a race. When I race like that it does not matter where I place, as I simply can not perform any better or go any faster.  But I have not been anywhere near racing that level for two years now. And there is only so much mental strength one can have to pull a non cooperative body through an endurance race. I have reached that limit too many times in the last couple of years. So how long do I keep trying for? keep battling? keep suffering? When is it time to say enough is enough?

Being chased by Fynn and Michael on the bike
After a sleepless night I woke up to a very sunny Scotland. Michael, dog Fynn and I went for a beautiful run along Queens Ferry foreshore along beautiful park trails. Chicken soup for the soul. How lucky am I to have these two by my side. Michael and I had stayed in Edinburgh to meet up with my Ashmei Team mate Owain Williams and his wife Mandy for lunch on Sunday. This is still my most favourite part of racing, meeting other athletes, hearing their stories and the battles they had to overcome. Connecting. I am not sure where I will or can go from here. What I do know is that I love being part of this world of racing, ambitions, dreams, goals and aspirations and I am not ready to turn my back on it just yet.
"And so you touch this limit, something happens and you can suddenly go a little bit further, with your mind power, your determination, your instinct and experience as well, you can fly very high" Arton Senna

Thursday, 12 May 2016

A rainy day in the Meda100, a UCI Mountain Bike Marathon World series event

I am very proudly associated with two organisations driven by powerful strong women. One is my ambassadorship with Strongher and the other is my role as creative director for a small but feisty off road female team Aloha racing  Both groups promote and want to grow the exposure of women in sport through the media with the ultimate goal to achieve gender equality in sports. I personally have already noticed the level of women racing becoming a lot higher in the last few years and racing at elite level becoming very professional.

This is absolutely great for the sport. The downside is that it has become a lot harder for a non professional to compete at elite level. For me personally it is not the day to day training which I find challenging, I am a motivated person enough to fit it all in around a busy full time work schedule. It is the lack of recovery I am struggling with. When my training starts to unwind before a big race, I finally have more time to organise everything and find myself running  around to the bike shop to get my bike sorted, washing my clothes, preparing my race kit, organising flights, accommodation, race nutrition and pack everything before rushing out of work to make it in time to the airport. This is my life and I love it, but as my priorities have changed, so has the desire to keep on battling away at the back of the pack of an international elite field of athletes.

Whilst I was preparing for a MTB Marathon World Series race in Portugal in an attempt to qualify for the MTB World Championships, I also decided that this would be my last season chasing the elite dream. Although it had taken me a while to get here, I was finally ready to let go.

With this in mind I felt very relaxed about the days ahead. It was a long travel to the picturesque little village Longroiva, Meda.  I stayed at the beautiful event hotel Longroiva Rural. The service I received from all the staff during my stay was second to none; I cannot thank them enough for all their help. Unfortunately it rained from the moment I set foot in Portugal. I explored the beautiful trails of Meda, regardless of the weather, which meandered through endless little vineyards set around the river Douro. It was an amazing place to be.
Jeff coming to the rescue for last minute bike repairs
Saturday before the race I caught up with Jeff Bossler. Jeff had received legendary status after winning the Cape Epic MTB stage race earlier in the year and it was nice to see his friendly face after spending a few day’s alone. Old Friends made through the MarathonMTB network catching up! We decided that this was what it was all about, riding with friends rather than racing against world’s best.

Exploring the beautiful trails of Meda
The rain never stopped since I had arrived.  So there I was on the start line wearing my summer kit with dry tyres on the bike. Not ideal. The start included the shorter races and when the gun went off it seemed like an explosion of riders. I did not start very well and it took me a while to wave through the field and settle in a little group with another female rider. The course was saturated with water and had turned into a mud bath. I was moving along ok until I heard a big bang and my bike came to a screaming halt. “Race over” I thought. I manually untangled the chain which to my surprise was still intact. However my gears were non-functional and I had to manually move the chain to change gears.70 km’s to go. The conditions were extreme; there were mud waterfalls on the climbs, mud rivers on the flat and torrential rain pouring down with freezing strong winds. The notoriously tough muddy Selkirk MTB Marathon in the Scottish Borders had nothing on this race. I got so cold that at one point I wondered if I could actually finish. The irony of it all, a DFN in Portugal due to hypothermia from a Scottish based rider.
One of the most comfortable kit I have ever worn by Ashmei
A few km’s further I got hit by a small mud covered rock in my face. A sharp excruciating pain took over my right eye and I kept riding with my eye closed hoping for the best. I don’t know how I kept going but I did. I washed my eyes out at the technical zone’s which would relieve the pain for a few minutes. Everything turned into a blur, literally. My bike was barely working and my body was running on empty. The last 10km’s were a never never-ending steep mud climb which felt like riding through treacle. I cried myself to the finish line; all I knew was that I had not given up. I aimed straight for the firemen and asked for help, at this point I had lost complete vision out of my right eye. “Where is your team?” they asked me “I am my team” I answered” Within an hour, my eye was looked at and treated by a doctor, my bike washed by a team of firemen (was I dreaming?) and I was dropped back at the hotel. Big thanks to the Pompiers of Meda and especially the lovely Patricia for being absolute heroes. Back at the hotel I soaked my tired body in a hot bath and felt half human again, “I had not given up” I thought to myself.

When I looked up the results online,  I did not see my name. My heart sank. This could not be happening. Within 5 minutes I had written many emails to the organisers and begged Jeff to help me sort this out. I needed official recognition that I had not given up. After the hell I went through with a broken bike and a broken eye, I deserved this.
The after math, a corneal scratch and a whole heap of mud

After what seemed an endless wait I cannot thank the organiser Joaquim enough for his persistence to prove to the UCI that I had met all the regulations of the race and amongst many DNF’s finished in 12th place. I was included in the results. 6 hours and 55 minutes of suffering had gained me automatic qualification into the UCI Mountain Bike  World championships. Mission complete.                                   Another chance to wear the national kit at an World Championship
It was not until I came home that I had an immense feeling of satisfaction, not necessarily of gaining entry into the world championships, because let’s face it; I am only a tourist at that level. It was not about that. It was about the mental determination and strength I had shown by finishing this insanely brutal race. And I had done it with no support. A strength I felt I had lacked in recent years, but which I believed defined me as a person. After two years of having been disappointed in myself I finally felt truly proud of what I had achieved.

“It is within herself she finds the strength she needs”
Happy being back in Scotland enjoying some sunshine and friends!

Tuesday, 15 March 2016

It is all about the journey

It has been 3 years since I turned my back on my job working for high profile equine veterinary clinics on million dollar race horses to pursue my dream of becoming an elite athlete. It has taken me almost 2 years to come to terms with the fact that nothing went according to the plan I had made in my head.  I had lost the purpose of it all to the point that last August I took a 6 month physical and mental break from the sport, at the time not knowing in what way shape or form I would return to it.
my first passion was horses
“Although my dreams and aspirations might disappear into thin air, the chase in itself is worth the journey” these were my words back in 2013 when I wrote the blog for Marathon MTB  I have been so focussed on the destination and my failure in reaching it that I stopped enjoying the whole process and my passion for the sport which made me take the leap of faith in the first place!
One of my bucket list achievements, racing the MTB Marathon World Champs
It was not until late December that I started to open my eyes again, that I dared to look back and be happy with what I had achieved. A win on the back off no training in a cross duathlon early January made me realise that I was at a level I could be proud of.  A week with my coach Nico Lebrun in Dignes sparked that fire in my belly again. It was pure enjoyment, pushing my boundaries and finding flow on the beautiful trails of Les Hautes Alps. Heaven. On the way home I sat at the airport and I felt completely at peace with my life. I was a full time veterinarian in a little place called Kirriemuir in Scotland. I did not work with million dollar race horses anymore; instead I was working with horses who are worth their weight in gold to their owners in a practice where I worked with my friends rather than my colleagues. And no I never managed to get a financial sponsor so I could race as a professional and be the best athlete I could possibly be like I had planned. Instead I was racing for fun but still lining up with the elites and for the first time I felt proud I was able to do this whilst maintaining a full time demanding job as a veterinarian. For someone who never stops analysing everything and whose brain is always on overload, I felt quiet for the first time in a long while.
Ski touring in Chamonix; paradise
During the last 3 years I  learned that it is all about the journey. “my life is pretty cool” I heard myself say to Michael after a magic day ski touring with Bruno Lebeda in Chamonix  a few weeks after my time with Organicoach in Dignes. Bruno is one of the two master minds behind one of the coolest and toughest (mountain) triathlons Evergreen in Chamonix. Through Organicoach I had signed up for the Evergreen 118 distance, a 2km swim, 95km cycle and 21km Mountain run with a total of 3200m of elevation in September. When I told Bruno I was going to be in Chamonix for a long weekend skiing, he responded enthusiastically that we should meet for a coffee or even a trip ski touring. An opportunity I was not going to let slip by and when he asked where I wanted to go I told him I did not mind as long as his Alaskan Husky Januk could come along after seeing the most awesome pictures of his dog accompanying him on ski trips.
Bruno's dog Januk
“We are pretty cool” Michael replied in his typical dry way. What a day we had had. Clear blue skies, sunshine, beautiful mountains and deep soft powder snow. Solitude. Silence. Serenity. A trip which should have been an ‘easy’ 4 hours turned into an epic 7 hours pushing ourselves out of our boundaries with over 1500m of climbing and 2200m of descending in less than 20km’s. We did not have quite enough water or food with us for such a big day!! “you have been Bruno’d” we were told later at dinner by Bruno’s lovely wife. What a journey it was, absolutely magical. A story to remember created by the connections I had made through the sport. Adding to my journey.
Chasing my dreams brought me to Michael

I have been a gypsy for a long time now, with no physical place I call home.  This is my journey. Chasing the athlete dream brought me to Scotland, brought me to Michael and has connected me with so many incredible people all over the world sharing the same passion. I might never stand on the podium of big races, or will I be remembered for my athletic performances. But all the stories, all the adventures, all the beautiful places I have seen and all the people who have made me feel I am one of their own after 2 minutes of meeting them mean so much more to me and have taught me; it really is all about the journey.

"The journey is my home" Muriel Rukeyser